Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Abbrahms Meshpucha
Of Yud-Gimmel Street in the Old City of Tzfat, Originally
FromWilliamsburg, Brooklyn

The following can be adapted to become a Purim spiel. Expanded, it can be a TV series.

I want to do a take-off on the Addams family - The Abbrahms Meshpucha.

Some of the Kroivim are:

Morticia will be Toityana

Gomez will be Goilem

Wednesday will be Mitvuch

Pugsly will be Pitschetch

The baby will be Choleryeh

Uncle Fester will be Fete Finster, who enjoys resting on a bed of schpilkes

Toityana has an adopted brother, a foundling, by the name of Imglick. When Toityana was a child she enjoyed nothing better than to play in the dump behind the genetic engineering lab near her house in Brooklyn. She loved the aroma of the noxious emissions and the feel of the slimy effluvium squishing though her toes.

Little did the innocent Toityana know that one day a miracle would come to the Abbrahms family from that laboratory.

One of the first attempts at cloning a human being was deemed to be an utter failure. The scientists agreed that the DNA of the blastocyst was so hopelessly corrupted that it had no chance of survival. They mindlessly tossed the Petri dish containing the blastocyst from their window.

Just then Toityana came by to play. Out of the corner of her eye she saw what looked like a small flying saucer coming straight at her.

It fell at her feet in the slimy effluvium, making quite a splash.

Toityana picked up the Petri dish and saw a tiny, tiny speck the middle of some clear, gooey stuff. She decided to bring it home and ask her parents what it might be.

She showed to it her mother, Glitshik, and her father, Klog.

They examined the Petri dish under their microscope and were astounded to see that it was a humanoid blastocyst.

"Mama, Tati! Can we keep it?", Toityana entreated.

Glitshik and Klog looked at one another and then at Toityana. Exhibiting typical Abbrahms ruchmunis and ahavas chinam they said: "Of course we'll keep it. We'll culture it and raise it as though it were our very own experiment."

They called the blastocyst Imglick and showered great love upon it.

Imglick grew to be movie-star handsome. Some said he looked like Boris Karloff. Others said he resembled Bela Lugosi. Others said he resembled Danny DeVito. The Abbrahms thought he was a dead ringer for Marty Feldman.

There was just one strange thing about Imglick. When a hat was placed on his head spontaneous combustion occurred. The hat burst into flames and smoldered until it was consumed. No harm was done to Imglick, but everyone wondered about the phenomenon.

We'll find out why this phenomenon occurred in Episode I of The Abbrahms Family.

Another experiment from that laboratory that would find its way into the Abbrahms' Family hearts and homes was the first attempt at creating a human-Tasmanian Devil hybrid. She would come to be named Vilde Chimera.

Grandmama, Morticia's mother, now Toityana Abbrahm's mother, will be Bubbie Glitshik

Toityana's father will be Zayde Klog

Toityana's grandfather, Zayde Klog's father, is Siamese twins Gornisht and Oisvarf

Goilem's father will be Zayde Moisheh Kapoyer

Zayde Moishe Kapoyer's father will be Alter Zayde Sheigitz

Toityana's sister the witch will be Tante Kuchleffel

Goilem's mother will be Bubbie Hartsveitik

Hartsveitik's brother is Fete Kopveitik

The Cousin with the long hair will be Ich Vais Nit

There'll be a cousin by the name of Greener Cousiner

More cousins will be the identical quadruplets Cousins Meeskeit, Kronkeit, Narishkeit and Nishtkeit.

Lurch, the Butler, will be Schlepp

Shlepp, the Butler, has recently married. The Abbrahms Meshpucha has graciously agreed to hire Shlepp's lovely bride in the capacity of household Maid. Unfortunately, since she was hired Shlepp has been shlepping less and less and his new wife more and more. Introducing a new addition to the Abbrahms Meshpucha household: Oysgemitshet, the Maid. What the Abbrahms family and Shlepp don't know is that Oysgemitshet is one of identical triplets and she and her sisters Oysgematert and Oysgehorevet have secretly been sharing the housework - and Shlepp.

Thing will be Lapeh.

The Abbrahms Family has two pets. Their mongoose, Shmei Drei, and their dragon, Gilo Monster.

The Abbrahms family has a long and illustrious history. For instance, you may think that the guillotine was invented by Dr. Joseph-Ignace Gullotin. But he only came up with the idea of putting a basket in place to catch the head. The guillotine was actually invented by Hockmesser Abbrahms, who also invented g'hakte leber. The Abbrahms family has been petitioning the French government to change the name of the famed invention from the guillotine to the hockmesser.

Episode I

Every Wednesday night the Abbrahms family make a picnic by some of the Kivrois HaTzaddikim. It's Mitvuch's favorite night and event of the week. It makes her feel like the family is making a special yahrtzeit celebration just for her.

It's also always a great opportunity to do the mitzvah of bikkur metim.

They make a kumsitz and roast marshmallows and locusts. Then they tell horror stories about lawyers and bankers and other dreadful creatures that suck blood by day and then hide in houses with perfectly manicured lawns and white picket fences at night. The children shudder in terror.

One Thursday morning, just at dawn, the Abbrahms family returned from a particularly fun and lovely night in the cemetery.

They are surprised to see policemen waiting for them at their door.

They approach the policemen and one of them asks if the family knows where Imglick Abbrahms might be.

Shocked, Toityana asks the policemen why they want Fete Imglick.

They are about to find out why Imglick's hats always burn

***All rights reserved. No portion may be downloaded, recopied, edited, or used in any form except with express written permission of the author. ***

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat, Israel
March – May 2007

Saturday, March 17, 2007

If You've Held Out Until Now, It's Your Gain!

So read the blurb for the ad for the new "aesthetic" plastic surgery clinic that opened in Tzfat (See: page 86, Chadash B'Galil, Edition 791 (1097), 16.03. 07, the third to last small pink heart.

The ad (See pg. 22 of the same edition) read on:

Can't decide whether to do a breast augmentation or a lip augmentation?

Special for a limited time only - If you have a breast augmentation done, you get a lip augmentation FREE!

I'm gonna call them tomorrow and ask if I can choose which lips I want done. Or, because it's a deal, if I have to have the lips of their choosing done.

Doreen Ellen Bell-Dotan, Tzfat (Safed), Israel